Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved

Until we tried to have a baby, I pretty much believed that if you want something badly enough in life, you can make it happen. If I didn’t get the job I wanted, I’d just shrug off the rejection and apply for another. If I didn't like where I was living, I'd move.  I've always believed that we choose our own destiny.  I dislike the phrase "It just isn't meant to be". With enough determination and perseverence we can make all our dreams come true. Being in control makes us feel safe. Sometimes when we want something so badly, this control can become obsessive. We will try everything to make it happen. Now, 8 miscarriages and several failed IVF cycles later, the reality has hit me, that some things in our lives we just have no control over. Mainly, life and death. My Reproductive endocrinologist finally admitted that he doesn't know the reason why I keep having losses. He said we may never find the answer as to why. A few years ago, he thought he had an answer. Abnormal chromosomes. He told us that this is usually the case with RPL. I'd had 3 miscarriages from spontaneous conceptions (2 confirmed aneuploid ) and I was afraid of having more. So we embarked on a donor egg program. Excellent grade embryos. I miscarried again. No heartbeat at 8 1/2 weeks. So we had our remaining frozen embryos pre-genetically screened (PGS). One was aneuploid. Ah, maybe there was our answer! We now had three normal embryos. While we were waiting 4 months for the results, I had gotten spontaneously pregnant again and miscarried. Let's not try naturally anymore my Dh and I decided. Crazy, as much as we wanted to have a child, we were now preventing pregnancy. 3 FET's in 2015 resulted in Two chemical pregnanices and a BFN. 
We are still left wondering, why did this happen? There is a reason, but even if we knew what that reason was, it wouldn't guarantee success. Because we just aren't in control of life..and we aren't in control of death either.


  1. Whoa. Our latest posts are so similar. I am here with huge huge hugs for you and your husband.

  2. I can't imagine how difficult this is! I'm so so sorry for your losses!