Remembering Paula

The morning Paula passed away, Eric saw a butterfly land on his window at work.  She had been fighting breast cancer for over 10 years so she had prepared all her funeral music. One of the songs was "I'll fly away".When it played tears flowed because the song was so apt. She passed away early in the morning just like the song said. we knew it wasn't a coincidence that Eric had seen that butterfly that morning.  We love you and miss you Paula!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BPoMIQHwpo


October 15th

Remembering our 3 angels in heaven

Venting

Tomorrow will be 2 years that my sister-in-law Paula passed away. Not one day goes by where I don't think of  her. She had such a positive attitude. Even though she had stage 4 cancer and the doctors said she didn't have much time left. Paula had faith and her faith and God gave her several more years.  I wish I had her positiveness.  Today is one of those days where I feel sad and no matter what I do to keep busy I cannot stop the tears.  I am 9 dpo so I'll just blame it on hormones!  I got a smiley face on CD 12 and ovulated CD 14 which is early for me. Fingers crossed!

When Eric and I go out I sometimes let my mind wander and think of our 3 babies in heaven. I can imagine them there with us. The first one we lost would have been 3 years old next month :( The second, a boy would have been born next month. I should still be pregnant with a baby girl due January 26th 2014. I know I need to stop thinking negatively, but some days it is easier said then done...

I finished the baby crochet blanket I started during my last pregnancy in May.  I am not giving up hope.  My Mother in law said that Eric and I should just enjoy life together and not think about getting pregnant anymore. I asked her if she had the same opinion as my Mom. She said yes. She feels that since I miscarried 3 times that it will happen again.  Knowing this I know that when I get pregnant again we have to keep it a secret...

Karyotype results

Our karyotypes came back normal for both Eric and me.  While waiting on the results I had convinced myself I must have translocations since my parents were over 40 when I was conceived. The genetic councellor said that the next pregnancy could be perfectly normal and not to be scared of  trying again.  She said the last 3 miscarriages were just bad luck. I am so ready for our luck to turn around!

The long list of Repeat pregnancy loss bloodwork also came back negative for everything. Homocysteinene levels were normal, Factor V Leiden, Prothrombin)Protein C Panel (Free Antigen Functioning), Antithrombin Activity. All negative.  I also had a mammogram screening last friday since this time last year I had to have 7 calcifications biopsied. Everything was fine this time. Yay! On the 20th July I was still getting a faint positive on pregnancy test but by 22nd it was finally negative and I got AF.  I just got a positive opk today Cd 16. So ready to try again!

Looking for answers

Eric and I went to the genetics councellor on July 15th.  In their opinion, they didn't think it was necessary for us to be karyotyped because the chromosome analysis of our last 2 losses were tetraploidy (boy) and Trisomy 16 (girl).  They explained that neither of these are caused by translocations.  I still asked for both of us to be tested because I had a natural miscarriage 3 years ago and that wasn't analyzed.  Who knows what chromosome abnormality that fetus had.  So we are waiting for results from our karyotypes.  If all is well we want to have CGH ( like FISH but more advanced as it tests all 23 chromosomes)

Trisomy 16

July 28th we decided to go to the RE to ask him for Repeat pregnancy loss testing. The high risk Ob had done some RPL testing after my second loss in March but she said everything was fine.  Good thing I asked for a print out of my labs because I found out that I tested positive heterozygous for MTHFR C677T.  She said that it is a problem when you are homozygous for the gene. I did some research and found out that the MTHFR gene affects how our bodies process B vitamins wether you are homozygous or heterozygous.
A healthy MTHFR gene is responsible for converting folic acid into Methylfolate (the ‘active element’ form of Folate that your body uses).This conversion from folic acid to Methylfolate is a 4-step process, but if someone has an MTHFR genetic defect, then the enzyme transformation between steps 3 and 4 is mutated which causes many health problems.  
Mutation 677 – Heart disease, heart attack, Stroke, Blood clots, Peripheral neuropathy, Anemia, Miscarriages, Congenital birth defects, fibromyalgia.
symptoms of toxin build up may be linked to one or both of the MTHFR defects - nausea, diarrhea, abdominal pain, liver and kidney dysfunction, tachycardia, pulmonary fibrosis, asthma, immune problems, hair loss.

Well I have had 3 miscarriages, I have fibromyalgia, have had kidney stones and allergy induced asthma, hair loss (since I was 20), pain in my hands and an elevated ANA which signals some kind of auto-immune issue though the rheumatologist is not sure what.

So bottom line my body cannot process the  folic acid in my prenatals!  I wish I had known this sooner.  July 5th I started taking special prenatals that have Methlfolate (B-9) and Methylcobalamin (B-12)

The RE tested my homocysteine levels. He said IF they are elevated I will have to be on blood thinners when I get pregnant again. He was baffled as to how I got pregnant "spontaneously" twice in 3 months. I laughed when he tried to take credit by saying maybe the fertility treatment I had ( a year ago ) had caused me to get pregnant.. Well if it helps his ego after he told me it was impossible for us to conceive naturally then fine, he can believe that! I just want some answers! All I know is that after ivf my bbt charts were all crazy and they didnt go back to normal till almost a year of acupuncture treatments!!

Our Rainbow baby slips away again :(

   We saw our baby's heartbeat for the last time on 17th June :(  Eric nicknamed our baby lightening bug since that is what he/she looked like on the u/s with a flickering heartbeat.Today I had another u/s because doctor was concerned about slow growth. Eric and I were so sad not to see our baby's heart beating. I don't know why this has happened a third time. This was supposed to be third time's the charm! :(  I need some answers. I still feel very pregnant. Morning sickness and sore breasts. It sucks to feel pregnant and know that baby is gone :(  This song by Casting Crowns applies to us and I listen to it remind myself to have faith and praise God who gives and takes away.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGPS8sa-bRQ

Heartbeat!!

   Alot has happened in the last week.  I started having nausea and vomitting. So much for it being called morning sickness, but mine starts in the afternoon. I think acid reflux made it worse. Vomitting actually helped me feel better. It's just a constant queasy feeling I have now.

 Yesterday was my first ultrasound. The sonographer pulled the machine forward so I couldnt see. She said that would turn it back to let me see when she was done.  Maybe my Ob told her to do that since I have had previous miscarriages? That's the first time that has happened at that place. It seemed to take forever while I prayed the Our Father asking God to guide her hands so she would find our baby. Finally she said there it is! We saw the tiny 2mm fetal pole and a steady flickering. 109 bpm. She said I am measuring 6 weeks 2 days. This is a week behind my lmp but I know I ovulated late, like cd 17 so I am hoping the little bean catches up.. With the 2 miscarried pregnancies we never got to see our baby's heart beating before because it had stopped by the time I had an u/s at 10 weeks. What an amazing feeling to see the life inside me on that screen! Eric decided to name him/ her "Firefly".  I think it is a girl due to my early morning sickness and stronger than usual pregnancy symptoms. I have been crocheting a yellow and white shell stitch baby blanket. God is great!! :)

Third beta

On Friday May 31st I had another beta drawn at my own request.  I had been having period-like cramping for 3 days and this made me worry. I know God is working his magic and I should leave it all up to Him. However, I just can't help worrying after having two previous miscarriages. I also didn't have any pregnancy symptoms whatsoever. The ob phoned me on June 3rd to give me the good news.  My beta numbers were now at 5,401! They are still doubling every 37 hours. She said that these numbers were very good at 5 weeks 5 days. I was so relieved!!

Today I am 6 weeks 3 days and feeling some pregnancy symptoms like sore breasts and slight nausea in the morning when I first wake up. Waking up twice during the night to pee. Praying and patiently waiting for the ultrasound on June 11th and that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...a heartbeat

Second beta

Ob phoned me with good news. Second beta on 26th June was 244 so it doubled after 38 hours. Ultrasound is on the 11th June! With God All things are possible!

My hpts 13 dpo and then 18 dpo. The test line is darker than the control line now :)

First Beta

Yesterday I had my first beta.  I was pleasantly surprised when I phoned my OB and she said that she wanted to send me for 2 betas 48 hours apart to see if the numbers are doubling correctly.  At 3 pm nurse called me with beta number..100! :) I am happy :) I will be going for another blood test tomorrow. Monday is Memorial day so I will have to wait until Tuesday for the result. Praying that the number doubles again!

BFP!

         This morning Eric left at 5:45 am because he had to go to the data center to fix something.  It has been raining every day and my hands have been hurting so much. I realized when I got up that my breasts were sore too! So I did an hpt and I put the timer on.  After 2 mins I saw a second line!!!!  I have been bawling my eyes out all morning and praying please let this be a healthy baby!  Yesterday was exactly 8 weeks since my d & c. Thinking back to 2 weeks ago! I remember we only bd'd once that week because Eric was so exhausted from work. The 7th! So the 7th or 8th must have been O day!  I do remember having lots of EWCM around that time but no ovulation cramps. This would make me 13 dpo. I made a card for Eric. I drew an ovum and sperm high fiving eachother :) lol  He is always high fiving me so I knew he would love it ! Inside I wrote this bible verse:

  ²⁰ "See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared. ... ²⁵ Worship the LORD your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you, ²⁶ and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span." Exodus 23:20-26

I put the card in the mailbox because he always checks it as soon as he gets home. I tried to film his reaction through the window blinds but he saw me.  He asked what are you doing and just stood there so I continued filming and opened the door. He opened the mailbox as if something would jump out at him, When he saw the card e looked at me and smiled and said "nuh-uh" I replied "uh-huh",started to cry and gave him a kiss. With God all things are possible! Praying for a Rainbow :)

No miracle at the end of the rainbow

Well this isn't going to be our miracle baby :(  sonogram showed that this isn't a viable pregnancy. Eric and I are very sad since we know it is probably our last chance conceiving naturally since I will be 42 soon 

I have a subchorionic hemorrhage in my uterus under the gestational sac. The sonogram tech also found 2 cm fibroid which they didn't see last time but she said the pregnancy hormones could have made it grow over the last several weeks. She said it's not the same kind of fibroid as I had 3 years ago with last miscarriage. That one was protruding into the uterus while this one is not and could go away on it's own.  

I will be going to OBGYN on Monday and we will discuss further if a d &c needs to be done. I really was praying that I would never have to go through another miscarriage. It has been the worst thing I have had every had to go through. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGPS8sa-bRQ&feature=share

*Update- I had my d & c on March 25th. On May 6th I had a follow-up appointment with Ob to discuss the results of the chromosome testing done.  The OB explained that my pregnancy was not caused by the age of my eggs. It was a tetraploidy 92 XXYY(male). She has never seen this before and the cytogeneticist said it is quite rare. 1-2% occurrence. There were 4 sets of chromosomes! I did some research and this is how it happens; A one-cell embryo (with 46 chromosomes = 23 paternal + 23 maternal) should divide into two cells with 46 chromosomes each. The chromosomes have to duplicate first. However,  if the division fails,  the new cell will have 92 chromosomes (instead of the normal 46 XY)

Beta still doubling

My hcg numbers have doubled from beta on 3rd March which was 3329 to 6637 on 7th March :) Cyndi my nurse said that to her it seemed normal for 5 weeks 6 days going by sonogram. I asked her if she thought it was strange that I was measuring a week behind and she replied no and not to worry everything is doubling normally in her opinion. She said the sono next Friday will give us a clear picture. She is so nice! The high risk OB/GYN who told me she didn't think this was a normal pregnancy and that going by my Lmp they should have seen something on last sono. She doesn't sugar coat anything. Well I know from experience that doctors don't know everything. I do appreciate her being honest with me though because I don't want to get my hopes up. The fertility doctor said my first pregnancy was just a fluke and that it was impossible for us to conceive without IVF. I only trust in God and pray for a healthy baby.

Was it too good to be true?...

Sunday the 3rd march was a nightmare...
As we were leaving church I felt a gush and my heart sank when I went to the bathroom and saw red blood. Not just a little spotting either. Eric heard me cry out NOOOOO. He rushed to me and hugged me and immediately took me to GBMC hospital. We didn't have time to eat lunch. Waited forever to be admitted and then they tried to do a trans abdominal u/s of course saw nothing. The midwife asked if I felt cramping and I didn't and she said that was good. The bleeding stopped. They checked my cervix and said it was firm and closed tight so I was not having a miscarriage. Waited four hours for transvaginal sonogram. There was a yolk sac in the gestational sac but no fetal pole. The sonogram tech said I measured 5 weeks 2 days. She asked if my period was regular and I was sure of my dates. I responded that I thought I had ovulated late and had a big bbt dip on the 13th Feb and had a beta of 35 on Feb 14th so I could have had a late implantation. I added that I didn't think I should be counting from my last lmp which would be 6 weeks 3 days. I was thinking more 5 weeks 6 days. She said that the bleeding was caused by a small tear in the placenta. (My mind flashed back to my last miscarriage when they said I measured 7 weeks and they saw a fetal pole but no heartbeat. They were trying to make me feel better by saying maybe my dates were off).
Well this tech was not as sensitive. She said that I should try clomid. A friend of hers tried it and had twins. I told her that I had already been through 2 unsuccessful ivfs and I want THIS pregnancy!! SO basically she was saying this isn't a viable pregnancy. Sunday was the 3rd March, the same day I miscarried exactly 3 years ago.  Except then,I was 9 1/2 weeks. We waited to see the high risk OB who never turned up. Then we had to wait for Rhogam shot to be sent from pharmacy. I needed the rhogam shot because I am rh negative(A-) and Eric is rh positive (B+)It finally arrived at 9pm. I was starving since I hadn't eaten since breakfast. My HCG was 3,329 so it's still doubling. My progesterone was 17 but but I thought this was kind of low since I am on otc natural progesterone. I couldn't get the midwives to prescribe a stronger one. I have 3 days worth of it here (from my last ivf) so started taking it last night. I am thinking the otc one isn't strong enough. Fertility clinic hasn't called me back. Since this is a spontaneous pregnancy I guess they don't want to be responsible.  I still had refills for progesterone from last June but I doubt pharmacy will fill it since it's been 9 months. I am going to try and maybe they will call the nurse to check with her and she may just call me back?

Yesterday went for another sono and again they only saw the yolk sac but no fetal pole :(
The sono tech said that if I really am 5 weeks 2 days like I measure then it could be too early for fetal pole. Because I charted my ovulation though I find it hard to believe that I am a week behind. The high risk OBGYN scheduled another vaginal u/sound for 15th March. She didn't think it was looking good since they should be seeing something on sono by now. It's all in God's hands now.

BFP on Valentine's day 02/14/13!!!

Yesterday was the best Valentine's day ever! I took an hpt at 4:30 am and after a less than a minute I saw only one line and thought to myself "just as I thought...bfn". I washed my hands and another couple minutes later I picked up the hpt to throw it in the trash and there it was..a faint second line!! BFP!!According to my fertility friend chart I was 13 dpo.  After 3 years of ttcing, a miscarriage in march 2010 and unsuccessful ivf cycles in 2011 and 2012, we got our miracle!  My husband and I are on cloud 9!! I made chocolate cheesecake cupcakes and stuck a note in one that read "We're pregnant!" Then we rushed to the immediate care and I got a beta test done and doctor confirmed I am pregnant! The doctor calles it a "spontaneous pregnancy".I was sooo excited my pressure was 138/90 which is very high for me. It is usually 100/65 or lower. I took another test on a digital and was so happy to see the words "pregnant"!!The fertility doctor said it was impossible to get pregnant without IVF. With God all things are possible!! Thank-you Jesus! We are leaving for Barbados on February 18th! Can't wait to tell our parents about our miracle!