Sunday, September 6, 2015

Chemical Pregnancy

A squinter on IC HPT this morning, so my Hcg is less than 10.  I have a killer headache, so hormones are crashing. Beta tomorrow hopefully will be zero so I can stop all the injections. Pregnancy #8 will not be not our Rainbow. :(  5 clinical miscarriages (4 with Heartbeats) and now my 3rd CP. Technically my FET in March was a BFN because I got faint positives from 6-8 dpt but beta 2 weeks after transfer was negative. The way I look at it though, that female embryo was normal and I feel that her life needs to be validated. In another uterus, she probably would have thrived and grown into a healthy baby!  My breasts are still very sore and swollen. I just want to be able to stop all the injections so this headache will stop. Eric and I had planned a babymoon or  BFN getaway. So looking forward to going to Chincoteague island on Sept 25-27th to see the wild horses of Assateague. I have read all of Marguerite Henry's books when I was a child. I've looked forward to going there since I moved here, but being constantly pregnant/miscarrying plunged me into a depression and I kept putting off going to the shore.  Eric kept telling me that I needed councelling because I was no longer the same person he married.  I denied that I was depressed. Until I started the prednisolone again and my depression lifted and I felt human again. The pain is gone. Depression felt like I couldn't breathe under this heavy dark cloak. In the last 5 yrs have spent most of my free time researching miscarriage and genetic issues, talking on Babycenter's Miscarriage groups, IVF, Donor egg and PGS threads. Crocheting baby clothes for all my pregnant friends and our babies that never stayed. Like Eric pointed out, not healthy for my mind or my soul. I just finished crocheting a pair of grey boots for this little lost soul (6 months for the age they would have been next winter). They each have their gifts, depending on length of pregnancies. I have 2 blankets, one I made for our Trisomy female and another I made for George, our 8 week IVF loss. Then I have several hats, booties and mittens. Gardening and Gluten-free baking are the two hobbies I did that helped me stay sane.

We have One PGS normal embryo left.  Eric and I have decided to do a natural cycle next. Dr Hamersley suspects that my becoming hypothyroid is the cause of this PGS normal embryos' demise. She feels that del estrogen hormone messes with my thyroid levels. (my TSH was perfect at 1.67 the day I started injections, then jumped to 3.8  two weeks later). A natural cycle is a much better choice. However, I risk my FET getting cancelled if falls on a weekend because my clinic won't do FET's on weekends for donor egg cycles. My longtime childhood friend in Canada is now 10 weeks pregnant after doing a natural cycle. Del estrogen didn't agree with her either. She has adenomyosis and it made her lining way too thick. Her doctor prescribed Intralipids for her FET.  I have tried in vain get any doctor in Maryland to agree to RX it.

Part of me is afraid that Eric and I have that rare HLA issue that Braverman spoke to me about during our pone consult. Eric doesn't think we would be SO Unlucky that we would have BOTH chromosome issues and then now with PGS Normal embryos also have immune and rare HLA issues. We could get the HLA matching tests done but would cost us over $3000, just to determine that we need a gestational carrier which we cannot afford. We have spent so much already on Donor egg, PGS and 6 ivf transfers. I had sent my Re info on it after he told me that "Donor egg fixes that and HLA is a very rare occurance anyway". I may have posted this before, but Dr Braverman told me that my RE is an idiot for telling me that DE would fix an HLA issue. The woman's body is attacking the dna from the sperm in the embryo, not the egg! So another solution would be both sperm and egg donor. Or embryo donation. This link explains HLA. I have read it so many times but Eric refuses to admit it could be a possibility.

Since my ANA is negative from my immune system being suppressed for almost 2 months now from the prednisolone, Eric and I think I should just go straight into another FET. I have more than met my 3000 deductible for my insurance this year. So bi-monthly thyroid tests,u/s's and prednisolone and are lovenox are covered until the end of the year. If the next embryo is another BFN or chemical, then we will have our answer.

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